“Vulnerability is the core of fear, but also the birthplace of love and belonging.” Brene Brown

It is human nature to want to experience a strong sense of love and belonging in your life.  What Brene Brown found in her groundbreaking studies on shame and vulnerability is that there is ONE thing that separates those who feel shame and struggle for this sense of true connection, and those who are able to experience love and belonging in their lives:

A feeling of worthiness.

In other words, in order to experience love and connection, we must believe we are worthy of it!

So many of us run a false story (often just below the surface of awareness) that we are not worthy, and live in fear of being rejected, abandoned, hurt, unloved, or discovered a fraud. This is all based on “stuff” we experienced as children that felt so terrifying that we think by staying on guard we will protect ourselves from what can sometimes feel like virtual annihilation.  We avoid vulnerability, we don’t talk about it, and then we hide behind our shame by numbing ourselves out or pushing it below our conscious awareness.

We’ve talked about this in past posts, but the short explanation is that it is not based on reality but on being exposed to words or experiences at a crucial point in our childhood.  We then translated those experiences into feeling not good enough. We feel abandoned, confused about our instincts or unlovable. Some examples of these childhood experiences would be feeling pressured to get all A’s (so you become a perfectionist) or parents telling you that you’ll never make money at art (so you abandon your dream), or, having a parent leave,either literally or emotionally, (so you grow up feeling unlovable).

There’s also a fair amount of shame wrapped around each of these experiences and the truth is that unless we name that shame, we will never let it go – and it will continue to be the covert director of our lives. The shame will stop us from taking any risk that we think threatens exposure of our shame.  Risks in relationships, in pursuing our real dreams or in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

So what do you do? Start by allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to get hurt – and know you will not only survive, but will be relieved and then thrive. Being hurt does not kill us, but we think it will. Remember, we always have a choice about how we feel– as long as we are conscious. Yes, you’ll be hurt. But what you do with that hurt is up to you.

Look at where the shame lives. Identify the shame. It’s not always obvious, but shame can exist in secret hiding places like: “I’m unattractive and therefore unlovable,” or “I made such stupid mistakes when I was younger that if anyone finds out, they’ll think I’m horrible.”

Ignoring the fact that we do feel vulnerable causes us to be even more afraid. Our fear causes us to numb out and not face our fears. Brown’s work is important because she makes it okay to be imperfect and vulnerable. By realizing we are imperfect and vulnerable, we realize we are all born worthy of love and connection.

Shame and vulnerability are universal! Everyone feels these things on different levels. When they are not talked about or acknowledged, they damage us by making us feel unworthy.

Here are some ways to work with this awareness:

1. Acknowledge that we are all perfectly imperfect. Each and every one of us.
2. Stop blaming others in order to numb the pain and instead, acknowledge where you are.
3. As Brown says, “Let yourself be seen. Vulnerably seen.”
4. Notice when and how you numb yourself out. Are you eating/drinking/sleeping/not sleeping/using sex or other behaviors in an unhealthy way? What’s behind that?
5. Lose the drama. Life is full of craziness, hurt, confusion and mistakes. When you acknowledge what is good, the drama should take second place. (Aka, be grateful as much as you possibly can!)
6. Be gentler with yourself.
7. Be gentler with others (especially when you think you’re blaming them for your own stuff).
8. Listen. To others. To yourself. To your heart.
9. Lose the judgment, too. It’s a snare the “I’m not good enough” monster uses to stop you from taking any sort of steps forward.
10. Stay vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel everything — the good, bad and the ugly.
11. Name your shame — and speak about it to someone you trust. It’s enormously freeing.
12. Be authentically you — not the you you inherited or who others think you should be.
13. Embrace your uniqueness. No one is the same. That is the beauty of this life.
14. Know you are enough.
15. You – and everyone else on this planet – are worthy of love.

Brown says to feel vulnerable means you’re alive. Embrace that.

Every day I hear women say, “But it comes so easily to me. I don’t think people will pay me for that!”  or, “It’s a gift. I should give it away.”

Nothing makes me more motivated to help women step into their power than those kinds of attitudes. Why? Because I have been there, too.  Been there, done that. And, there wasn’t even a T-shirt to show for it.

The mask of false modesty that somehow feels virtuous is one of the most detrimental ways to hide your light and harm yourself in the process – not to mention your business, relationships and self-esteem.  Women, it’s time to own what you love doing, to embrace your talents and unique abilities. It’s time to take it off. Take it all off. And wear only your true authentic self.

You’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again: The world is waiting for you!

AND YOUR TIME IS NOW!

So how do we take it all off and get out of this trap of mask wearing? There are a few simple (not always easy – until you decide they are) rules I’d like you to embrace:

1. Discover what you love. Your “soul purpose.” Embrace it with all of your heart, soul and emotions.
2. Decide how you want to bring your soul purpose into the world. You might need some help with this, but start envisioning what’s possible, and even, what you think is impossible. It’s only impossible until you start.
3. Be like Nike. Realize it’s up to you. No one is going to do it for you. Yes, you will have cheerleaders, helpers and inspiration along the way. You will have guides, mentors and miracle workers show up just when you need them. Doors will fly open you didn’t know existed. But basically, if you’re sitting on your butt, they’re not going to show up. So, just do it.
4. You’re ready now. Not when the website is perfect, you’ve lost the weight or your copy is that of a Pulitzer prize novel. You’ll not have the right tagline at first, or the right pitch. You may not even be clear on the few next steps. That’s okay. You only need to know the very next step. Go out and start.
5. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I always say (as do a lot of other people!), if it isn’t scary, it isn’t worth doing. If you want to make a bigger impact, it has to be uncomfortable, plain and simple. After all, staying the same might feel comfortable, but what about that niggling feeling just under the surface that says, “Something is missing.”  That niggle ultimately means that you’re not living up to your potential.
6. Stop worrying about pleasing everyone else! It’s a problem many women have, but it’s only going to stop you dead in your tracks. Be a thought innovator, a healing genius, a strongly opinionated woman on the board. People don’t have to agree with you. YOU have to agree with you – which leads me to:
7. Be authentic. If it feels right, you are in your creative genius (not to be confused with it feels comfortable and therefore safe.) When you are working in your genius, it should feel good, like you’re in the flow, like you can’t believe people pay you to do this (and they do!).
8. Remember the law of circulation. Allow yourself to receive as much as you give. This goes for good payment for the value you provide or accepting compliments and appreciation. When you fluff it off and say things like, “Oh it was nothing” you deny the person the right to give to you. People love to give! Let them!  “You’re welcome” is all you need to say.
9. Along those same lines, give back. To other women (for example, by telling them how brilliant and amazing they are) or to the world in some way. You get what you give. When you always expect something from someone else without giving, you are violating that same law of circulation.
10. Fill the oil lamp back up. I say this all the time. Giving to the point of exhaustion, burn-out or resentment does nothing for you, those who love you and depend on you, or, those you serve in your business or in your volunteer work. Restore yourself: exercise, get massages, take a walk in the park. SHUT YOUR BRAIN DOWN for a period of time so that all those good alpha waves can come in and allow you to think and be more creative and loving in your life.

When the mask is off for good, and the real you is out there for all the world to see, being authentic will come naturally to you. And, it will be a huge relief. Clients and friends and spouses and children will see the real you. And best of all, that’s who you will see too, when you look in the mirror. And you will step into the flow when you take it off.