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Monthly Archives: May 2013

Confession Time

IMG_4842Confession time: I am a “doer” I struggle with the idea of really sitting down and being “unproductive” and quiet – though when I do, I must admit, I’m pretty good at it! But it’s still something I have to muscle myself into. Even coming to Italy for a month – a rare opportunity (for Americans, anyway) created some angst in me, crazy though that sounds. How will I work? What about my clients, my business?

I am such a doer that on many days I even have to talk myself into sitting in meditation or exercising, because I have “so much to do.”  I like to fix what’s out of place, and move on to the next thing. That is something I’ve worked on my entire life.

I am convinced I will die (hopefully at the age of about 137 because I have so much I want to DO and experience!) book in my hand, a song in my heart, an idea germinating just after the application of the previous. That is ok. But, I want to cultivate “the slow” more – gain even more appreciation for the moments I am active and the moments when I am passive.

Our brains are programmed to see what’s out of place, what’s wrong and what can be improved upon. It’s part of the evolutionary process. However, we all move so damned fast that it’s no wonder evolution has not caught up with us. And it shouldn’t, in my humble opinion, at least in this case.

Slowing down means appreciating. It means being grateful and in awe of these beautiful moments of life. The other morning I awoke with the phrase, “every moment you are alive is beautiful” strumming in my mind. No idea if it was a remnant from a dream, or a divine moment, but it has stuck with me. When it rained again, I said to myself, “every moment I am alive is beautiful” and suddenly, I noticed how beautiful the rain clouds were.

Yes, improving one’s life is a good thing. But what about appreciating where you are, as well? I believe we co-create our reality. So that means we are exactly where we should be. In other words, whatever we are here to experience and learn is put in front of us. But we have to see it. Really see it.

When was the last time you looked at your partner, or someone you love, and really really looked at them, noticed the changes in their skin since when you first met, the way their eyes crinkle when they smile? When was the last time you touched them and lingered over it, really feeling the love between you? Or, how about the last time you stopped and appreciated all the good in your life? We’re always so busy trying to get to the next place. But where you are now is yesterday’s next place and what we thought about then is what got us here. So appreciating every single little moment and breath gets us to the next moment and gives us more to appreciate.

Thinking everything needs to be fixed or changed creates a life that needs constant fixing.

This is not some polyannic utopia I’m talking about. I’ve recently learned a finer appreciation for the two hour lunch (though the first few times I was tapping my fingers on the table, “where is the darned check”), the walk at dusk, noticing the wildflowers and the cloud formations (even if it has rained for 26 out of 30 days!) There is a soft appreciation that can well up within when you learn to slow.

I am calling it “the slow” because that is what it takes to appreciate where you are. It’s shifting into a lower gear, letting yourself sit at the stop sign a bit longer to watch the old man cross the street with his portly pup, feel the lingering touch of a hand, appreciate the rich smell of a stew simmering all day. That is the abundance of life.  The elusiveness of the moment appreciated.

In order to cultivate “the slow” – ask yourself where in your life can you linger a bit longer around:

  • a meal
  • a conversation
  • a touch
  • a question
  • a thought
  • a romantic moment

Sitting and pondering is another nice way to cultivate the slow – which cultivates the pleasure in life. Cultivating the slow gives you a deeper sensuality, an enriched perspective, a brilliant miracle. For it is in the slow of contemplation that miracles and inspiration occur. They don’t come out of the rushing, the panic, the fear, the doing. They manifest when you are in a receptive mode.

So ask yourself where can you dawdle a bit, loiter, smell the roses (or baby’s breath or stew) to cultivate the slow, protracted beauty that this life can give us.

AFFIRMATION of the Week: 

Today I will cultivate the slow by pausing whenever possible to just be. I will pay attention to each moment that I can and appreciate all the good I have in my life.

Toxic Relationships

Toxic RelationshipsHopefully we are all blessed with some really good relationships in our lives. However, there are other relationships in which we put up with “stuff” that we know we shouldn’t.  Relationships that, if you’re honest with yourself, make you feel worse than you would if you did not have it any more. Yet, you stay – be it a friend, romantic or business relationship.  Why?

If you’re “putting up” with people who don’t want your highest good or the best for you, then there are elements that are toxic in that relationship. When you tolerate being treated in ways that are not mutually respectful or loving you can bet there are aspects of your relationship that are not healthy.

Yes, we all need to compromise in a relationship. What we don’t need to do is compromise or lose our authentic selves in any relationship.

The word toxic refers to something that causes serious harm—it contains poison, literally. When used to describe relationships, it’s essentially the same thing. A relationship that drains the energy and life from you is, indeed, toxic.  Toxic relationships are ones in which you don’t feel you can be yourself or you start ignoring your intuition. In these relationships you’re not growing and changing for the better, but are stifled and feel diminished.  That’s simply not okay. You do not need to sacrifice what is important to you and for your happiness in order to stay in a relationship. You do not need to compromise any part of you.

If you are struggling to release a toxic relationship, what that means is that you’re more afraid of losing that person than you are of losing yourself, your goals and your happiness. Think about that for a minute!

Tips to identify when you are in a toxic relationship. 

If you:

  • find yourself changing who you are
  • walk on eggshells so as not to upset the apple cart
  • change your behavior  to avoid a conflict
  • know you’re not fully taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and/or physically.
  • feel like you can’t do anything right
  • feel like the relationship is more about him/her and rarely about you
  • find yourself making excuses for the other person
  • feel mocked and never feel encouraged
  • find yourself thinking far too many things you never say…
  • you’ve identified a toxic relationship!

Why do we tolerate so much in these relationships?  While, of course, it can be complicated, very often it stems from searching for one of three things missing in some form from childhood: security, love and self-esteem. If, when you were younger, you felt some of these pieces missing, you spend your life either repeating what you learned or not wanting to let go of a relationship once you think you’ve found the missing piece in it.

Sometimes the relationship mirrors one from when you were younger. Other times, your subconscious convinces you that you’re better off with that person than alone. Additionally, you might not feel completely worthy of a real, true and respectful relationship. Often, you simply don’t know how you ended up here!  You might think being in this relationship is just better than being alone…but it’s not.

The cause is one thing. Acting so that you examine the relationship, and perhaps exit the relationship, is another. The truth is, if you’re in a toxic relationship, and you’re honest with yourself, you know it.

I know it can be hard to leave. However, if you are put in this world to be the fullest expression of who you truly, authentically are, then being in a toxic relationship will stifle that, at the very least. If you want to leave, yet simply can’t, I suggest you get some help from a professional.   If you feel your relationship can be fixed, then it’s time to speak. Speak to the other person, speak to professionals, but be heard. You are so worthy of happiness and deep, resonating relationships. And, as I always say, the creator didn’t make some people more worthy than others. Your voice and your happiness are monumentally important.

Sending big, huge hugs to all of you! And much strength to listen to your inner self.

AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK:

Today, I listen to my intuition when I ask myself what I am tolerating in my relationships. I will make the decision to demand respectful, loving relationships. Today, I begin the process of cleaning up my inner environment by cleansing myself of toxic relationships.

 

Environment is Everything

It has been interesting weather these last two weeks in Italy. It has rained nearly every day since we got here. The temperature has ranged from 83 in Rome one day, to the 50s here in Umbria, and cooler at night. Today, it is clear, but windy. It feels almost fall-like, instead of like spring. It is crisp and cool, and the fireplace is going.

To get to our home, we have to cross a river. There is a bridge that the owners assure us has been checked out by an engineer. On the other hand, the gardener tells us he would not attempt it! So we cross the water without benefit of bridge, pretty much like everyone else. The water level is usually quite low, just a few inches of tire running through water. But, with all of this rain, we have literally been housebound. The water is higher, but it’s really the boulders that roll into the stream that make it impassable. I’m not up for that kind of a challenge, so we’ll wait until they clear the boulders from the riverbed to cross over.

The bridge they think we can drive our car over.
The bridge they think we can drive our car over.

 

IMG_3963
The river we must cross to get to our home in Italy.

Rather than get annoyed or frustrated, being stuck here (not a bad place to be stuck) gives me the opportunity to pause. Not feeling the urge to go see and do, I sit and write. I listen to music. I have another cappuccino and think.  One thing this pause makes me realize is how important it is to get out of our own environment sometimes.  I am so grateful to have this time in Italy, in a beautiful villa, with an expansive view. The sky is so important to feel the reach of bigger things—one of the reasons I love walking up the mountain next to my house back home. The sky clears my head, opens me to higher and bigger possibilities. Inspires me.

What in the environment of your life needs to be changed? Do you need to clean off your desk, purge your closets? Do you need to open the windows and bring in fresh air? What in your environment reminds you of lack—in other words, of not having the success in your life that you want? Changing your environment is hugely important because what you see every single day may reinforce the energy of  lack, disorganization or failure in your mind.  An untended environment keeps you stuck.

Now, I’m not saying that you have to travel to Italy! While traveling out of your environment gives you a fresh perspective and is very helpful, I want you to see that you need to change what bugs you when you look around. Or, what you ignore and pretend isn’t bugging you! (Red flag!) Ask yourself: “What am I tolerating in my physical and emotional environment that needs clearing out?”

The things you are tolerating in your environment are like boulders that block the river you want to cross. You have to clear them away before you can move forward.

Once you’ve cleaned out an area that needs improvement or fresh life, there are different ways to “clear the space” of the negative or heavy energy that hangs there, like a residual film left behind. Research is proving that the space between the things you see is actually filled with microscopic particles or motion. This is not a scientific paper, so I won’t cite studies for the next three pages. You’ll just have to trust me: there is more there in the space around you than meets the eye!

Here are some tips for physically cleansing and clearing your space:

  • Obviously, clean it up. Clear out what you don’t need. Organize your “stuff”. (This is something I struggle with!) When you do this, you will notice yourself more relaxed in your environment.
  • Burn sage and move around your space with it. Let the smoke drift into corners. Make sure to hold it while “outlining” doorways and windows. Let the sage reach out to cleanse the spaces between the things.  “Heavy” energy tends to collect in spaces where air does not circulate, especially in corners.
  • Along those lines, using sound also clears space. Ringing bells, using singing bowls, or even clapping hands into corners literally moves the dead energy out of your space.
  • Vacuum! There are countless miniscule particles lying in corners, on windowsills, in rugs, and those particles attract more particles. Dust literally breeds dust. Regular vacuuming can also clear your space.
  • When you’re done, light a candle and bless the rooms you are in. Set an intention. It’s a simple, easy mind shift to get you into a different “space“— internally and externally.

Pick one room or space to start on. Then move on to the next. You’ll be able to breathe better, physically and psychologically!

Next week, we’ll talk about toxic relationships!

AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK:

Today I start observing and then take action on clearing my physical space of objects and disorganization that do not serve my attitude of abundance. I clear my space to allow an opening for more success to flow into my life.

 

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