I think I was waiting for something really “coachy”  to come into my brain – some kind of eye popping, catchy opening, which would inspire every woman who read it. At first, I thought this wasn’t a great idea – to launch my new website having my first post be about my own, personal empty nest syndrome…but then I thought about that. What better way to tell women going through transitions about who I am and where I come from, than from a heartfelt reflection on this transition in my own life.

Sandwiched between my youngest daughter going off to college for her first semester, and my oldest daughter heading off to Paris for her last, was Hurricane Irene. It was kind of fitting that the upheaval of emotions within me was reflected in the crazy weather, this “epic” storm that hit the east coast, nearly 300 miles in diameter. That was one big storm. And that’s exactly what was quietly brewing inside of me. Funnily enough, my radar wasn’t picking up the intensity of it.

I didn’t realize it at first. I mean, I had a sort of “soft opening” to the empty nest syndrome when my youngest decided to go to boarding school for her last three years of high school, my eldest started college that year, and I moved in with my new fiancé – all within weeks of each other.  It took me a couple of weeks before I realized how very much I was missing that huge component of my life, that part of the way I defined myself – I was in love, madly in love, and moving in with the man who was to be my husband, and his son. My daughters loved both of them (thank God!) and so all felt right with the world. They were in truly wonderful places – perfect fits. But slowly I realized how intensely I missed the daily hugs, the dinner prep with dancing and even the little disagreements about curfew or homework. I ached to watch them sleep, curled in their beds, amongst puffy blankets, stuffed animals and hair splayed across their pillows.

I missed the rushed moments of getting to school on time, the plays, the messy rooms. I yearned for weekends where we picked from the garden and made simple meals, laughed at the dog’s antics or squealed at the occasional mouse scuttling through the kitchen.

After having them with me for much of the summer, here I am again, revisiting this perfectly normal pain of watching them leave the nest. How the heck did my kids go from 8 to 18 and 21 in the blink of an eye? This must be some sort of awesome time travel.  And, this time feels a little bigger to me…last time, I could drive an hour and a half to see my youngest, my eldest was living 40 minutes from me. Though they weren’t living in my house, except at breaks, they were accessible. AND, they wanted me to visit. Now, they’re simply too far away for frequent visits, and I guess that’s just the way it’s supposed to be.

I sincerely believe that life puts us where we need to be – or rather, we are here as a result of all the decisions, thoughts and actions we’ve made in our life. Couple that with the decisions our kids have made, and poof: reality! Believing that, I have real trust in the process of letting go, knowing that while it is understandably difficult for a mother to cut the cord, I know they are on their own path, just as I am on mine, and I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from them, the gifts they’ve given me, and will continue to share with me! (and, I’m pretty sure, vice versa).

Letting go is never easy…but we raise kids to do just that. Being a good parent means smiling as they head off into their own, breathtaking, exciting future.  And there are tradeoffs (and I’m not talking about turning their bedroom into a gym or office!) The pure joy of watching stable, strong (albeit, a little scared) kids head off, (mostly) owning their destiny, is a brilliant gift. You know they’ll stumble in order to learn – because YOU have learned that with seeming obstacles, come opportunities for huge self growth (um, just like this one, for us!)

So here are some tips to consider, as we transform monsters under the bed to bright angels of growth:

–       You are not letting go, because you never really “owned them” to begin with. (and more than likely, you’ll see them at the next big holiday!) You are “launching” them into their bright future.

–       They will always need you in some way, but let’s help them want you more instead. Watching how self sufficient your kids are is actually a great joy.

–       Learn to ask questions when they call. Your relationship will be stronger because you will show you are listening and respect their opinions, instead of heaping unsolicited advice on them. If you don’t already do so, learn to SKYPE, text and/or IM! You’ll speak to them a lot more!

–       They no longer need you to be their sergeant or boss, but if you play your cards right, they’ll come back as your friend.

–       Take this time to get back to YOU. To rediscover your strengths, find new ones and do things you never allowed yourself to do. The more you grow, the happier (and less guilty!) your kids will be. AND, please realize what a very exciting time this is for you, as well.

–       Pat yourself on the back. You’ve done a great job. In fact, get a massage on that back with the spare time you should have right now!

–       If they’re going off to college, remember, it’s a pretty soft landing and pretty safe place to learn to be an adult.

And lastly, please don’t feel sorry for yourself.  Take the time to “go inside” and find parts of yourself that were lost, buried or forgotten.  As they make new friends, get to know the parts of YOU you’ve never gotten to know. Take the time to find that authentic you – you’ll be amazed at how FUN it can be!

So remember, as you “launch” your child into their future, embrace your own.

Reach out and let me know how you’re doing….and what I can do to help ease the transition!