We’ve all done it – said yes when we really wanted to say no, or allowed a behavior to continue even though it invaded us in some way. Sometimes the boundary invasions are obvious – other times not so much. Or, we’re choosing to say something is not that big of a deal, when really it is.
First, how do you identify when your boundaries have been breached? Start by noticing how you feel when you say yes. Do you feel that “icky” sense of dread or frustration when you’re about to do something you don’t want to do? Or when someone has done something to you and you can’t put your finger on why it’s wrong? Or maybe someone acts with disregard for you. Those feelings are telling you your boundaries have been crossed.
It can be as simple as saying yes when you want to say no – but it isn’t always as obvious as, “Can I come stay at your apartment for a month?” Sometimes it’s fairly subtle and you don’t feel you know how to draw the line.
Some examples of obvious boundary crossings:
- You have agreed to working a certain set of hours. Your boss continually asks you to stay late because you’re the one without kids in the house.
- Someone touches you without permission or in a hostile or unloving way.
Some not so obvious examples – places you might not have set clear boundaries:
- Someone touches you in a way you don’t like during sex, but you don’t want to say something for fear of hurting his or her feelings. You might or might not have told your partner, but even passively allowing a personal boundary still counts as letting your limits be disregarded. èBe clear about what you don’t like in order to clarify that boundary.
- You have an open door policy at work. Everyone has free entry to your private office space because that feels like you’re more accessible and you want to be that kind of a boss. But you can’t focus. You can’t get anything done. èChange your policy. Maybe your door is open during certain times of day only.
- “Can I just interrupt you this one time?” when you’re trying to do something alone, but it feels like it’s always happening – and it’s usually for something “nice.” You can make a case for each interruption, but you still end up getting nothing done because of the constant interruption. You feel a little “put upon.” è Figure out how to say, “Not right now. I’m busy. Come back at 3:00.”
- Your child seems to have a sixth sense for when you pick up the phone and insists on his/her needs being met right at that moment. è Maybe it’s time for some rules about when mommy is on the phone.
- A very insidious one is when you feel you have to defend your position because you’re worried about what others will think about you. Your need to get answers from a doctor who is moving fast and is short with you or your tendency to over-explain why you can’t do something. è Figure out what your limits are and what others’ limits are too.
Why do we do these things? It generally boils down to two reasons, and both are the byproducts of guilt and/or fear: The need to be liked and the need to feel special.
Of course, everyone likes to be liked. When you need to be liked or seen as more special than others, you will find yourself failing to set clear boundaries, or allowing boundary breaches on a regular basis. You’ll feel a lot of frustration because really, people don’t like you for what you do for them, they like you for who you are (or you shouldn’t be hanging out with them!).
The bottom line is that you need to decide what works for you and state it honestly and directly if it’s having an effect on your life. Trust that people will respect you more, and, in fact, might be relieved when you lay out clear boundaries around your time, body, thoughts and emotions. People like to know where they stand, and want to know you are being honest and straightforward with them. People who don’t set clear boundaries will also often resort to passive aggressive means to get the same results, but without having to be clear and direct in stating expectations and limits.
So examine your need to be liked (as opposed to wanting to be liked—which is different). In terms of wanting to feel “special” – that’s a big one and has a hazy border. You ARE special! But, none of us is more special than the other. We are all different, unique in our own divine ways. When you have the need to feel special to someone, it is really coming from a place of lack – needing affirmation from the world around you to confirm your importance.
This is a big issue, of course…but one worthy of your attention. Staying connected to the knowledge that you are special, divine and unique –just like everyone else – will help you. It will enable you to get rid of the false belief that letting your boundaries be crossed will make you feel better and more special, or make others like you more. In truth, it will only make you feel worse.
AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY:
I am getting clearer by the day where my boundaries lie, and how to enforce them. I lovingly set clear boundaries so that I can be productive, happy and balanced.
