We all lead busy lives. No doubt. The problem with living busy lives is that we forget, sometimes, about the living part.

Part of living is in the everyday interaction. It’s seeing the person whose eyes you avoid as you walk down the street, or the waitress who served you, the person who refilled your water glass. It’s going to a networking meeting expecting to give rather than get. It’s telling someone you love them, just because.

Opening yourself to intimacy can make you feel vulnerable, if you choose to feel that. Or, it can simply be the human (and sacred) connection we all crave in a very digital, virtual 24/7 world. Remember, how you feel is a choice.

How do you find ways to connect with the sacredness in people you don’t know? And, why should you?

First, the latter: it is when you approach life this way that it becomes so much more enriching.  Life itself then invites collaboration, familiarity, rapport. This creates  an abundant, loving attitude which can literally change your experience of living.

How can you open yourself to others?

1. If you’re shy or scared, start small. Start making eye contact, reaching out to people you know you are comfortable with but haven’t seen in a long time. Thank the person who refilled your water glass, and look him or her in the eye when you do it. Hold the door for someone. If you can, say something good about another person (authentically – no BS here. Be real.)
2. Switch your attitude from get to give. When you approach the world with the intention of giving (not to the point of being taken advantage of, of course) the world tends to give back to you a sense of warmth and generosity. It becomes reciprocal.   When you trust that the world is a benevolent place, it usually shines for you in that way.
3. Practicing the abundance mentality is very helpful here.  When you put yourself in the flow of abundance, you are putting out a vibration of trust, strength and generosity that will flow back to you.
4. Think loving, confident thoughts. If you’re having trouble with this one, ask yourself, “What would a confident, directed woman do in this situation?” and do it. Changing your thought patterns creates a new emotion, which creates a new vibration that goes out and attracts that vibration right back into your life. You will act differently with a confident emotion of some kind. (Remembering that emotions motivate actions.)
5. Realize that there are varying degrees of intimacy. Obviously, you are not full-on intimate with everyone you meet, but you can allow yourself to be closer when you focus a little love in your heart. If it feels safe, also practice sharing a little vulnerable piece of yourself. More than likely you will be rewarded with support.
6. Think of everyone as your teacher. Even if something “negative” happens, you will absolutely have an experience that can teach you something if you allow it.
7. Expect a positive reaction, but if it doesn’t happen, remember that that person may be guarded. REMEMBER: What they say is about them, what you hear is about you.

Some caveats:

1. You do need to be aware and consider your surroundings. I do not mean you should air your deepest, darkest fears to everyone you meet (or make eye contact with dudes in a dark alley). Not only will this be inappropriate but it will keep you stuck in your “dark place” and you will find yourself investing in your “story” to get attention or stay there. The goal is connection here…not total vulnerability.
2. Create the intention that you will share when it feels safe and check in with your intuition. You really do know the answer to whether it is a good connection.
3. Remember sharing is great – listening is fantastic. A good listener creates connection. Everyone wants to be heard and seen.

Remember, we are spirits in physical bodies. So is everyone else on this planet. When we connect with people from that place, it’s kind of hard to take things personally or to live from a place of fear and lack.

When you connect with yourself as a spiritual being and see everyone else as a spiritual being, you realize we really are all connected. We just forgot. Creating intimate, sacred space allows us the opportunity to remember who we truly are.

AFFIRMATION of the WEEK

Today I look at everyone as my teacher. I interact with love and confidence, and know it will be reciprocated. I look for opportunities to be myself, to share and connect in a deep way. I am richly rewarded and allow myself to receive as much as I give.

It happened without your noticing. “Yes!” slipped out of your mouth, even though you felt your shoulders rise, your stomach clench and your heart start beating a little faster. You feel resentment creeping into you as you leave the conversation.

“Dammit! I caved again.”

It’s a double whammy. You have piled one more thing onto your already over-full plate and you are mad at yourself for succumbing.  You don’t like that you’re a pushover. (And perhaps you take on some self-sabotaging behaviors like eating or drinking to soothe yourself.)

Or, a different scenario is possible. Maybe you don’t even realize you’re saying yes. Instead, one day you find yourself totally overwhelmed with obligations that don’t fulfill you, don’t further your life, your goal or the goals of your family and work. They’re “shoulds” or “have tos.” You realize you have too much on your plate and aren’t even sure how it happened. Maybe you feel a bit victimized. Maybe you’re angry.

Either way, this has to stop.

The way I see you, you can’t worship two gods. You’re afraid to say no because you’re a people pleaser (god #1) and rather than feeling uncomfortable in the moment, you passively care more for what someone else thinks than for your own divine self (god #2).  If you are divine (and you know you are!) you have to listen to your intuition, your inner knowing, and your own priorities to take care of what is important to you. That doesn’t mean you have to be selfish. It simply means it’s time to stop worrying about what everyone thinks about you, and just act the way your inner knowing tells you to act.

Saying yes (when you want to say no) happens for several reasons:

1. You don’t like the feeling of saying no. It makes you uncomfortable and you’re worried how someone else will feel when you say no.
2. You care too much about what someone will think of you if you say no ( I.e., you’re not committed, you’re lazy, etc.).
3. You lack the confidence to stand up for yourself and say no.
4. It’s a habit. It feels good to be needed or wanted, and so you say yes as a knee jerk reaction—almost like an addiction.
5. You genuinely want to help but don’t take the time to really look at your other obligations. You put yourself last.

So what are some ways to handle this lack of assertiveness?

1. Pause.  It is best to pause before committing yourself to something you don’t want to do. If you can’t come up with the no on the spot, and you know you want to, sometimes the best solution is to say, “I’ll get back to you on that” to buy yourself some time. Then, once you’re home (or at least out of the situation) you will be able to look at everything more objectively and gain clarity about whether or not you want to say yes.
2. Consider whether or not it is worth it.
3. Consider how you felt when you were asked. Did you feel happy or thrilled to help, or did  you feel a weight in the pit of your stomach. That should give you a hint as to whether or not you should say yes.
4. Respect your own boundaries and time. When you do that, you might find that people respect you more, in general.
5. Realize you always have a choice. Thinking you are being coerced into doing something is pure victim thinking. You always have a choice AND the right to say no.   As my mentor says, “No is a full sentence.”
6. Consider what you might be getting out of saying yes, even if it’s negative. Sometimes we like to feel needed or included.
7. Find a way to say no so that you don’t feel like a big ole meany, cuz you’re not. But  you can let people down gently. For example, “I know sometimes it’s hard      to find someone to do that job but I simply don’t have the time to commit  in order to do the best job possible. Thank you for considering me and if I think of anyone who might be able to do it, I’ll let you know.”
8. Don’t apologize and don’t make excuses. You can say it nicely without creating a whole litany of reasons why you can’t (more people pleasing behavior).
9. Consider your time as precious. Who you give it to should be extremely deserving and you should feel good about giving it to them.
10. While there are  situations where you give back when it’s inconvenient, a general rule might be, “If it feels like a huge burden, it probably is.”

It’s important to realize how valuable your precious time is. When you say yes to things you don’t want to do, you are disrespecting your divine self.

Remember, worshipping the divine, however you see it, does not include people pleasing. So be honest with your divine self, k? And if you are going to please anyone, why not please you?

AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY:
Today I begin the art of self care by learning to set boundaries and not apologizing for who I am or what I want. I will take the time to consider my position before saying yes. I will say no when I mean no.