You know how I say we are all born with the seeds of divine work within us? Well, I was born ass first (literally, frank breech) and have been wiggling around since then. I have always wondered how that entrance into the world has affected me (and the occasional births of breech babies I used to watch as a doula .) I think it is simply that I like to do and think about things differently. And while my different approach got me in a lot of trouble growing up, I think in my adulthood, it has opened doors into places others might not go.

I was a wild young woman, and somewhere along the way, I learned to behave.

And while, sometimes, it meant I learn the “hard” way… I don’t want to behave any longer. I want to rekindle that seed of feminine power and harness it to help not just myself, but other women as well.

Growing up, I always wanted to move and twist myself into pretzels. I’m told I was always upside down as a kid, and hence nicknamed “monkey” by my dad.  (Was this a seed from being born breech?) I’ve also been practicing yoga since I was a kid, when my aunt had me doing poses as a 7 or 8 year old. I fell in love with the practice and, with a hiatus here or there, for the most part, yoga has been my main form of exercise.

As I appreciate the feminine strength more and more in my life, especially on this trip of love, I realize I did all exercise with a masculine focus. I played softball with a male coach who used to scream at us when we made mistakes, make us run laps forever after losing a game or make us hit his fastest pitches in the dusk. It was fairly abusive, and at one point I quit the team because of it. (The good news is, my leaving caused a stir so that things changed a bit, and I came back).

I learned to exercise and treat my body as a man would, with the motto: no pain, no gain.  Because I was strong and big muscled, I would lift weights to the point of hurting joints. I ran until my knees made me stop with excruciating pain.   Even in yoga, I pushed myself so hard that I injured myself several times. At first it was small joints, then it became more serious as my hips were so overstretched that the pain could no longer be ignored. So one day I was doing scorpion pose (see photo! that’s what it looks like) and the next, I couldn’t sit cross-legged.

And I was furious.

I was a health care provider, for goodness’ sake. Why couldn’t I figure this out? And, I knew a heck of a lot about yoga. I tried everything I could to find out what was wrong. I saw physical therapists, worked out with trainers and weights to build the “capsules” around my joints, took private yoga lessons, had x-rays. No one could tell me why I was in so much pain. Each time I went back to yoga, I ended up injuring myself. I was convinced yoga was over for me. And then, I was sad.

Yoga was so many things for me. It was a connection to spirit; it was dance and movement rolled into strengthening postures. I felt like yoga fed my soul, gobbled up my stress and gave me a strong, lithe body.  Yoga is a mix of give and take, releasing and trusting. So many wonderful things!

If I’d get a little amped up at home, my girls would say, “Mom, why don’t you go take a yoga class” and I’d come home blissed out. But, like many things in my younger years, I overdid it!

Recently, I saw a YouTube video (see link below) of a veteran who’d been pretty crippled as a paratrooper. He was in a wheel chair and using crutches. Finally, he found a yoga instructor who would help him, and he videotaped the trials and tribulations of getting healthier and stronger. It is truly inspirational. I thought, “Damn. If he can do it, I can do it. But I’m going to do it in my own way.” Of course I am.

So, I’m back on the mat. I’m not trying to keep up in some level 3 hot yoga class doing the impossible. I’m dancing my way through yoga, doing the poses that feel right, the ones that make me stronger without hurting me, the ones that are right for an aging female body. By the way, yoga was designed to burn off young boys’ sexual energy so that they could sit in meditation. So, women doing some poses, mostly designed for a man (or boy’s) body doesn’t make much sense, does it?

So, I’m adapting. I have wider hips than a boy, so I make my stance differently. Sometimes I feel like moving in a pose, so I do. I’m creating my own version of yoga that makes me love my body, combining things I cherish: yoga, dance, meditation, and music.  And I feel pretty fierce doing it!

I have to thank my friend, Jonathan Fields, for the inspiration for this personalized yoga, though because I can be stubborn, it has been years in the realization. I used to take Jonathan’s classes before he sold the studio.  He would show up in jeans and a t-shirt, and talk us through yoga in a way that did not have a no-pain-no-gain attitude. He talked about limitations, acknowledging where your body was. He played awesome music and I adored his classes. He used to joke around saying, “Make sure you’re doing the pose better than your neighbor.” Ha ha. I had a little blind spot around that. I didn’t totally listen to the irony in his voice. I still saw my neighbor doing a pose “better” and my ego told me to push myself, and I did.

So, while I was convinced I was going to be that 80 year old in yoga class doing “wheel,”  I’m now thinking I’m a divine goddess, doing yoga that is right for my divine body. Maybe I’ll work back into some of the other poses, but NOT without awareness of where my body is in this moment. I am doing yoga with deep appreciation, deep focus and a sense of presence. That is how I’m falling back in love with my body.

Hating your body makes you do stupid things. So, learn from my stubbornness…and don’t do stupid things to your beautiful body. (read that tongue-in-cheek, ok?)

Amazing what Italy can do, isn’t it?

AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY:

Today I begin the process of falling back in love with my body. I appreciate it for all the things it has done for me, and will do for me. I embrace my inner fierce goddess more and more every day.