DR. TERI GOETZ
Find the Cause. Treat the Root. Heal Yourself.
Find the Cause. Treat the Root. Heal Yourself.
New Year, New Story: Tips on How to Change Yours
We all have our own stories. Have you ever heard yourself tell your personal story to someone else, almost as if you were talking about another person, like it was a script? You might have felt disconnected with the story (because you’ve told it so many times that even you’re bored with it). Or, you might tell it with a lot of emotion, feeling over and over again how you were abandoned as a child. Then it hurts again, right? Guess what…here’s a little tough love: It doesn’t have to.
I’m here to tell you that you can change your story. Absolutely. No matter what happened to you when you were younger, or during your divorce, or now that you feel lonely. You have a choice about how you’re going to look at it and what story you’re going to tell.
For a long time after my husband and I split up, I was a Victim. Capital V. I wore my scarlet V on my forehead, as a chip on my shoulder, and a weight on my back. “Look how I was hurt, abandoned, insulted, embarrassed…” the list went on and on, and I backed up my story with examples to anyone who would listen.
Ugh.
Then one day I heard myself telling my story to a dear friend who had listened to some version of it 100 times by now. I watched her eyes glaze over, probably screaming inside, “Get over it!” And I stopped. I was tired of hearing myself say it, let alone think it again. It was exhausting, painful and I was reliving the hurt over and over again. And each time it was reinforcing my belief that I was victimized.
So, I changed my story. I made a declaration to myself: no more playing the victim! I did not want to be the kind of role model for my daughters, who, without her husband, is angry and unable to cope. Who IS that person?? I didn’t want it to be me. So, I took responsibility for my own part in the breakup of our marriage (that was not easy for me – it meant letting go of the abandonment, taking responsibility and not having the same story playing, which had become oddly comforting.)
So how are you going to rewrite YOUR story? It’s the only way out of the pain and suffering. Here’s the crib sheet for changing your story:
Acknowledge your feelings – Burying them or using anger or lethargy to cover up the real feelings underneath only serves as a personal prison. Ask yourself: What am I really feeling? Honor it, know that it is a habitual response and then here’s an important step:
Surrender those feelings – I mean it. You don’t have to know how it’s going to change, just know it must, and you’ll figure it out as you go. Ask the Universe, Spirit, whatever you call your God to take it away. Ask for help. And then know it’s on its way in a form you will be on the lookout for. (There are ways to expedite this step that are too in depth to dive into here.)
Maintain self discipline – Catch yourself when you start to rehash your story, complain or blame. It’s a habit, and it takes time to change. Be gentle with yourself, but don’t stop until it feels more uncomfortable to tell the (old) story you’ve been telling, as opposed to the one you want to be living.
Write your new story – When you put pen to paper, your brain, soul and Spirit hear it differently and it’s stronger. Write how you would like your life to look. Be the author of the next part of your life. You’re in charge. Read it every day.
Fake it ‘til you make it – Seriously. It works. Start saying positive things about your ex, your boss, or whomever “hurt” you. Start spinning a new tale of power, balance and strength – who you really are deep inside.
Send love to the person who “hurt” you most. AAAhhh. Do I hear a scream? Yes, this is quite difficult, but it helps and it works. If you can see the other person first, as part of this One we call our Universe – which means s/he is part of you, and secondly, as doing you a favor because you have something to learn in order to grow, it becomes easier.
If not now, when? Have courage to step into the unknown. I promise that you can wake up almost every morning doing the happy dance. Wanna dance?
21 Responses to New Year, New Story: Tips on How to Change Yours
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Love the suggestion about sending love to the person who hurt you the most. Going to do that right now! Thanks, for the post!
thanks Mandy! I find that once we do that, it’s a huge weight off our shoulders. Carrying the anger and resentment is such a burden! more work than letting it go!
The “crib sheet” is excellent! I know from my own experience these DO work! Thank you for sharing your experience with us and providing guidance for those who haven’t found the answers yet:)
thanks so much for writing, Martha! thanks for sharing YOUR experience!
Excellent article, Teresa! I must agree that the change takes time and consistent effort. What you’re actually doing is getting rid of your old habit to replace it with the new one. It can be tough, but it’s very rewarding.
thanks, Silvia…yes, a little effort with consistency. Thanks for writing!
I love the suggestion of writing one’s own story. A new story. And instead of repeating the same old victimy story, let’s keep repeating and talking about our new story! Very cool. Hey, let me tell you how great my life is…
Do tell! thanks, Nancy, for taking the time to read and comment!
Thank you very much for sharing. This has really inspired me. I have already put my pen to paper. Now to maintain my self discipline…something to work on! Thank you.
thanks, Patti. yes, always a work on progress. Go easy on yourself, but “just do it.” I have found putting time into my schedule to do these things is really helpful. If I don’t, life gets so busy, we tend to put ourselves on the bottom of the priority list, right? thanks for taking the time to comment!
Well done, Teri. I did the same thing when my ex died. I woke up one morning and just decided I’d had enough of wearing the divorced widow label. I never looked back. Giving yourself permission to not know how you’re going to do it is so important, too.
thanks, deb, and you’re right, giving yourself permission to step out of the roles/labels we think we’re supposed to be playing/wearing is huge.
This is a fantastic article and a great “crib sheet” for releasing the grip a negative past has on the present. Way to go Teresa!
thanks so much for reading and commenting, tracey! (love crib sheets.)
Thanks for the reminder that “Life isn’t about finding yourself but it’s about creating yourself!” Yes I read the cup in the picture too!
thanks, Lorraine! you saw it! I use that cup every morning. Great reminder!
Love, love this article. Especially the moment you knew you had to do it differently! There is value in processing your story. And often it takes hearing it again and again to make sense of it (that’s why you need more than one person – so they don’t go crazy! And bless your friend for allowing you to get there in a gracious way.)
The challenge is when you get stuck in the loop. You get something from it – empathy from others, a place to lick your wounds or dump your anger, a way to rebuild a shaky self-esteem – but the moment the payoff is less than the cost, seems to be the magic for moving to a healthier you. Thanks so much for putting this together. Very inspiring…
thanks so much, annie! Yes, that challenge is what Pema Chodron refers to when she talks about “scratching the itch” of habits. You know you shouldn’t, but you can’t resist! We’re all a work in progress 🙂 thanks a million for reading and commenting! happy day…
So true – Thanks for the reminder that I actually need to write it down! So simple but so effective. I used to do this all the time and it works! I’m off to write out my life for 2012 and the next 3 years.
Christa, thanks so much for reading and commenting. Yes, writing it down, to me, is a big component of making it real to my brain. there’s a neural connection that happens when you do that. Wow, good for you for planning…and also, I love planning, but not being attached to the outcome, because my guess is that the Universe has more in store for us than we can even dream up ourselves! bring it on!
Teri,
My mom died when I was 19… A story that no one wants. As I have matured, although I would never look back and choose to lose her, rewriting the story of the after she died has been very helpful (did this ages ago). I just couldn’t live in the sadness any more. I discovered this on my own and am so delighted that you have shared this with the world. This makes moving forward so much easier and the best part is that you get to choose your own path!