I’m smart. It took me a lot of years to be able to say that.

I was about to list all my degrees and certifications to show you how I finally realized that I am, in fact, smart and capable, but then I realized… why do I have to prove myself yet again? So you’re not getting the list. Those degrees and certificates can stay in the filing cabinet in my office and have a nice life.

I love learning, that’s true. But I also know that I relentlessly pursued more and more education in order to prove myself.  I wanted others (and myself) to believe in me, to know I had credibility, and I wanted approval to do what I was doing.  I finally said to myself, “You’re good. No more degrees”.

Then I started my businesses.

I took course after business course. I have coached with some of the best coaches in the industry (at a very high price tag, too!). I have learned more about marketing and business than I thought I was capable of. And, I happened to learn to love marketing – something I spoke of with disdain years ago. Marketing is actually pretty cool

One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t find success outside of yourself.

And even though I know that— I’m a coach, for God’s sake! –when  my friend said to me, “Ok, lovingly? Stop trying to get all A’s” … it gave me pause.

When I had that conversation with Sam, I was dealing with a big marketing disappointment. Or at least what I perceived as a big disappointment.  Anyone who’s an entrepreneur knows that having your own business is not for the faint of heart. It’s a whirlwind of success and failure, trial and error. Income goes up. And then, it sometimes seems to go out the window because as you grow, so do your expenses to keep up with your increased success. If you’re even the slightest bit squeamish about your self-esteem, you can get slammed against the wall.

Growing pains, right?  I am at another crucial stage. And my friend let me realize that it wasn’t about things not going the way I wanted. It was about my performance in my own mind. I was trying to get an A+. Every time. All the time. Even on vacation.

This is why we all need coaches!

This truth—big as life— was in my blind spot. I could NOT see it, even though I’m great at seeing these things in other people!  I didn’t see that I’d slipped into my old practice of wanting to be “good enough.” I thought I’d outgrown that. Seen it in so many places in my life. Excavated it. Done.

No so much.

My fear of not being “good enough” was hiding in the crevices of my subconscious, waiting to spread like a failure virus and take over my brain.  (I’m not being overly dramatic. This is what happens if these fears go unchecked. And they kill your dreams and motivation when they do.)

Being smart (I get that now), I had presence of mind to talk to Sam about what was going on. She set me straight. She could see from the outside where I was trying to be “the good girl.” The girl people look up to, appreciate, think is just great! If you grow up in a setting where your value comes from your achievements (and many of us do) then this is a battle that rears its ugly head whenever you begin to stretch yourself again.

In last week’s post, I talked about my body’s advance warning when it was getting sick. I was working too many hours (a symptom of the A+ virus) with not enough down time. My body knew what was going on, but my full awareness wasn’t fully expressed. It is now.

So I ask you to ponder:  where in your life are you still trying to be the good girl, the girl who does everything right, who wins the game, or earns the honors? Are you trying to get an A+ in your

• career? Being perfect in every situation, never having things flop?
• relationship? You have to be the one to swallow your desires or allow your time to be second to your partner’s?
• looks? Everyone likes to look her best, but are you finding your value in the way you look instead of who you are? If so, what are you sacrificing to do that?
• mothering?  Are you trying to be the “perfect” mother, never making a mistake? Do you sacrifice your personal time for the sake of being the dream mother? Are you stuffing down the resentment when it adds up?
• friendships? Are you finding you are the one to make the effort all the time and it’s not reciprocated? Are you going along with what others want to do even if it’s not what you want to do?

It’s common to care about what others think. We often seek approval from outside, to feed those subconscious beliefs that we’re not enough. It’s a life long process to rid ourselves of all of that. But it’s a worthy trip to Troy, you know? It’s a battle worth fighting within ourselves, because the result is freedom. Each time you grow in awareness, it takes less time to catch yourself when your inclination is to go down that road again.

Awareness is key. Having the “I’m good enough” conversation with yourself keeps you ahead of the game.

And …get yourself a coach! I had a friend who happens to be a coach point out the obvious to me, but usually a friend is too close to you to see and/or say what is hiding behind that A+ showing up every day.

At least start with by rooting out where the virus is hiding. Dredge the recesses of your mind and repeat after me, “I’m good enough. I am worthy.”